I write a weekly column.  It’s an advice column for a newspaper.  There’s an uber-snark factor so I go under a different name for now.  Anyhow, there have been a few questions about the Holiday Season.  Stuff like “what to buy for Christmas”.  People, apparently, want original presents.  So I’ve been peeking around the net and I found some of the CRAZIEST stuff.  Not crazy like bobble head talking Dr. Phil Dolls that say “So.  How’s that working for you?” (…Which, incidentally, I couldn’t recommend to anyone since I just made it up - but can you IMAGINE?  Wow.  Spreading the joy like that would be a load of satisfaction.)  Some of the stuff that I DID find included the following.  All of these have apparently been patented, but I can’t attest to their availability since they are wacky and no company that I could think of would ACTUALLY produce such absurdities…

a)  A structure [looks like a coffin] to prevent you from being buried alive - you sleep in it.  So, like, in the event that your alarm fails to wake you and an avalanche of debris falls on you, it sends out a signal for immediate rescue.

b)  A miniature ladder to put into your bathtub should a spider find it’s way towards imminent drain drowning.  I think the thought behind it is that a spider would be almost down the drain, spot the ladder, (chuckle at his ingenuity) and climb the ladder to the safety of the top of the tub.  (Yup.  A patent.)

c)  A device that’s attached to your back which allows you to pat yourself should you do something wonderful and not receive immediate recognition from any other source.  Certainly this is answer to the nation’s esteem problems…

Oh yes.  And so much more… but I’ll spare the both of us and try to forget about how wacked the world is.

Thank goodness I managed to fiddle with the grocery budget & I can distract myself from searching the web & pore over the new Vanity Fair.  I’ll have the VF December issues chat in a couple of days….

This entry was posted on Monday, November 26th, 2007 at 5:23 pm. You can leave a comment below.