I know, I know. Unless you’re in a tropical locale, it’s far too early for the Speedo to be plaguing your thoughts or arriving in your sight-lines. But I thought I’d be proactive this year and make my plea early. Thus, this letter is to a certain somebody who uses their summer wardrobe (or lack thereof) to poison, maim, and generally traumatize a neighborhood… All with a little piece of lycra. Most fashion rules can be broken if the right person is doing the breaking. The speedo rules are, however, non-negotiable: Unless you’ve had a blockbuster film with an opening that included millions of people vying for a glimpse of your Louvre-perfect-Adonis body, DO NOT attempt a Speedo.
Dear Speedo Man:
At this very moment, you may be pulling them from your summer wardrobe drawer. Your adoring gaze skims over the black one. You smile widely at the bright yellow one. The green one makes you teary, reliving last year’s season. The black… You sigh with delight at the thought of your stark white body illuminating from the contrast. And lest we forget the newest: a particularly skimpy skin-coloured one.
While it is obvious to everyone in the neighborhood that you adore the Speedo and the poses you can accomplish in them when you are doing your gardening, picking up your mail, or simply prancing around the yard (…because you have a speedo…. and you can prance like there’s no tomorrow…) I am pleading with you to please cease and desist. We cannot watch you and your speedo displays for one more summer without abdicating full responsibility for what consequences might come as a result. In particular, the newest skin color one is grossly disturbing as it creates several sharp intakes of breath from the surrounding population (FYI: Sharp breath intakes are NOT signs of adoration. In this case, they indicate the threat of serious shock).
With Regards,
Deanna Kent-McDonald (on behalf of several of your neighbors).
In other news, I have a new banana tree. I’m not sure if the two topics are somehow linked.
ok. i happen to live in the very neighborhood that you are speaking of, and i must say we have built a fence not for the children’s physical safety, rather for their mental safety and so they won’t go blind. it is quite disturbing, except you are forgetting that the flesh colored speedo is an old on that all the elastic has disintegrated from, so when this particular neighbor bends down to dig in the dirt i can actually see things i never should have seen, including the lake view from between his speedo and his junk…. the thought of it makes me cringe all over again. i have some even worse news though- i saw a truck parked outside his house 2 days ago for a pool company… imagine how often the speedo will emerge if they get a pool- yikes!
April 17th, 2008 at 8:35 amps… my dear husband calls it a banana hammock
You just made me laugh so hard I almost spilled my coffee… xoxox
April 17th, 2008 at 8:39 amMaybe a neighborhood collection needs to be made and a lovely new pair of surfer shorts be purchased and delivered anonomously. You could attach a note … “I’ve seen your junk -and by that I mean more than the canister set you were selling at the community garage sale.”
April 29th, 2008 at 9:26 pmWhen we lived in Grande Cache for 7 years we to had a “Speedo Man”. He was 65 years old, tanned to mexican color, 5′8″, and a stomach at least 12 months pregnant. And when he bent over you could see his butt crack, which he did often to do yard work!
May 1st, 2008 at 7:21 pmI sympathize.
Be bold and confront the speedo man or get everyone to join him. MO
I’m too scared to confront speedo-man. Hey… this would be a good Feng Shui question. How do you de-clutter your neighbour’s yard of all speedo materials? MO - did you confront your Speedo man? And isn’t Grande Cache too damned cold to be wearing speedos? Eeek. Cold Junk. In a speedo. There should be laws, people…
May 1st, 2008 at 8:12 pm