Dearest Wal-Mart:

I am writing to you to express my appreciation for the impromptu making-faces show - brought to me by the amazingly inspiring facial talents of your express line cashier #1.  I first, of course, should provide you, oh box-store gurus, with a bit of background which led me to the gratitude I am feeling.  Please indulge me the time.

With the exception of Costco, I’m very intolerant of the big box superstores.  The sheer lack of organization & space annoys me… I hate how crammed everything is.  Instant migraine.  And, even though I tote my own very imperfect offspring, I detest being in crowds of unhappy, tired, hungry children.  If you, in your large Wal-Mart tower in the sky, have had no experience with unhappy, tired, hungry children, you might not know that the simple fact of the matter is they will always (and I mean ALWAYS) win.  They’ll win everything, every time, using any tactic at their disposal.  I am, in fact, waiting for one day in your store when hundreds of them recognize their power, unite, and hold all the adults hostage while they raid the candy aisle and figure out a way to un-twist all of those impossible, torturous ties that your toy packagers utilize.

ANYHOW, today I had a list prepared.  I found a parking spot within a mile of the door.  I was wearing my skull shoes to ward off any unexpected small-offspring-attacks.  A perfect latte warmed my hand.  Head down, focused mind.  And, to my delight, within minutes of arriving, I had collected what I needed.  Sadly, my timing was less than impeccable, because when I got to your cashier line-up, they were absolutely jammed.  Except for the express line.  I KNOW the express line said “15 items or less”.  I CAN count.  I CAN read.  But I just couldn’t do the regular line, you see.  It was outside my realm of possibilities today.

And so, when your already less than enthusiastic cashier started scanning my items (of which there were MANY more than 15), I thought that my contrived smile (which, incidentally, was made better by the NEW LIMITED EDITION MAC lipstick I have recently purchased, oh-so reminiscent of Tiger Tiger) would appease her.  It didn’t.  AND THAT WAS THE MOMENT your cashier displayed her uber talent.  Her grumpy-face techniques were unparalleled.  First, she pummeled me with staccato squinty eyes.  With each item scanned I got a new, fabulous and frightening contort.  The eyes… the lips… even her previously apathetic nose was in action!  If I were a talent scout, searching for the winner of the Many Meany Faces Award, she would have been signed that very moment!

And so.  It is with gratitude that I write you today.  Whilst I understand I have broken the express-line-rules, I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed the punishment.  If I hadn’t rebelled, I would have never had the opportunity to see such facial contortions in action.  It is my hope that I will one day master such techniques (& that your health plan provides botox to express-lane employees… squinting causes wrinkles, you know).

Until then,

Deanna Kent-McDonald   

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 13th, 2008 at 8:27 pm. You can leave a comment below.