Dear Phone Company,
Recently I have recorded our phone conversation (for quality assurance purposes) and since it’s the same bloody conversation we’ve had for the past 5 MONTHS, I figured I’d just send you the transcript rather than repeat myself… (The story is getting old & I may start to giggle in angry, maniacal hysterics should I actually have to do this again).
Me: Oh hello, phone company person. I’ve had this conversation with one of you every month for five months. So I’m going to be brief. We keep getting phone bills for a phone we’ve never had in this province. We moved. We canceled our old number with you before we left the province. When we got to this province, we went with a different company. Yet every single month we get a bill for a phone number we don’t have. And I mean it has the whole package… call waiting, voice mail, conference line… EVERYTHING. I’ve spoken with you before. I want you to stop sending bills. Because I’ll never pay them.
Phone Person named Bob: You’re calling to tell me you’re not going to pay your phone bill?
Me: No… You don’t understand…
Phone Person named Bob: Oh! You don’t need call display? You want a different phone package?
Me: NO. [voice takes on high pitched quality indicating imminent explosion] NO. I’m calling because you’re billing me for a phone number I’ve NEVER, EVER had.
Phone Person named Bob: When did you cancel this phone number?
Me: That’s the thing. I’ve never “canceled” this number. We canceled the one in the last province. It’s an entirely different number. And actually we have a $300 credit for that. But we’ve never canceled THIS number because we’ve NEVER had it. Not even one day.
Phone Person named Bob: I don’t get it…
Me: Never had the number. Want you to stop sending bills. Exhausted from these “groundhog day” exchanges.
Phone Person named Bob: So you’ve called before?
Me: [deep breath intake]. Yes Bob. Every single month. Same story.
Phone Person named Bob: Well. You’ve called enough. I’ll make sure this stops. I’m not sure what happened here.
Me: [hope floods body] Oh - excellent. And when are you going to send us the credit money? I receive a statement about that every month, too. But no money.
Phone Person named Bob: Oh! I see it here. We can just apply it to your phone bill…
Me: [shoulders slump in frustration - eyes widen - voice deepens and vowels are freakishly drawn out syllables] Ohhhh Noooo Bob. Remember the conversation we’ve been having for the last 30 minutes??!! [at this point, Deanna loses it big time] I don’t think applying a credit to the number would be prudent. Because. Remember???!!!! There is no phone bill!! There are no charges!! That number doesn’t exist except in your minds…!!! [sighs] I’ll talk to you next month, Bob… 
My friend suggested I start pranking them. What do you think? Can I prank the phone company?
Oh man, at that point, I’d be calling the better business bureau about this. That’s been going on for TOO LONG…
May 6th, 2008 at 9:39 amoh yes………..Bob, Dear Bob. I think he has changed jobs a few times tho. I once met him at the phone company and he was equally helpful but before that Bob worked for my satelite provider, and before that for licence and registration and before that the tax department. And, I think Bob’s brother works at City Hall.
The world seems to be full of Bobs, who consistenty, without fail, manage to orchestrate the Gong Show that I am so used to.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:32 pmSo is it unethical, immoral, (or rude) to plan a “run-over-bob” day? It could be like a National Holiday!
May 12th, 2008 at 3:31 pmxoxox D
Have you tried phoning the number on the bill? Has Bob? Maybe Bob and the phantom phone bill people need to get together… Hell, maybe he can leave them a message on their voice mail…
Bob’s sister works here - I think that she was adopted as she had quite a thick accent. Interesting fact - I can talk through my teeth - even when they are clenched together.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:51 pmI have, in fact, never called our phantom #… it was 250 717 7245… (in case you get the urge to prank it). That clenched-teeth-talking-trick is a really useful thing! Mild curses seem much more menacing that way. Hopefully the frustration and desperation is translated over the phone lines! Down with Bob, I say!
May 13th, 2008 at 6:45 am