So it’s no big secret that I’m not a great cook. Actually, I’m not even a good cook. Not too long ago I was on the phone with my mom and I looked into the oven. There were flames. FLAMES.
“Mom. Hang on. There are flames in my oven.”
“You have baking soda in the top right corner of your fridge.”
“OK thanks. I’ll call you right back.”
So… Today I barged in on my sister to borrow her internet. Where I’m staying, the connection is totally unreliable and driving me ABSOLUTELY insane. But I was sort of drawn to her kitchen - She’s got a gorgeous kitchen. And she makes gorgeous meals in it. So when I saw the cooking magazine on her island, I regarded it with curiosity. I’ve never actually placed a finger on a cooking magazine. “Oh,” she said, “You’d like that one. Simple, good stuff.” So I flip. Glossy. Colorful. Not copy like Vanity Fair, you understand, but interesting. And then I come to this amazing picture of some kind of chicken bruschetta meal.
“Wow. That looks fantastic.” What that meant, of course, was “Wow. Can you invite me over for dinner and make this for me?” But my cryptic begging didn’t work.
“It’s so easy. You could totally do that.” I reminded myself that she wasn’t over the last time I made mashed potatoes and forgot about them on the stove. Ever serve burned mashed potatoes? Not the best after-taste to leave your guests with.
But her encouragment made me look again. First the ingredients. Fairly simple. A rising hope in my heart. Maybe I could make that. Maybe there IS a culinary gene in my body! I probably could even cheat and go buy bruschetta at Costco (and, of course, pass it off as my own) - but alas. Visions of my oh-so-delish culinary genes went up in flames as my eyes got to the directions. It talked about pounding the chicken breasts with a MEAT MALLET. Someone grab the freaking baking soda, please (top right side of my fridge still, I think).
“What’s a meat mallet?”
“You know… you pound meat with it.”
“Oh. Yah. That.” Actually I didn’t know. And quite frankly, I’m bloody curious as to who on this earth, besides my sister, Martha Stewart, and Anderson Cooper (because he’s just probably an AMAZING cook) actually OWNS a meat mallet. OY.
So. If you read this, sister…
COULD YOU JUST MAKE THE CHICKEN AND INVITE ME OVER???!!!
consider it done… i am always happy about cooking for appreciative guests… my own monkeys will most likely never let that “yucky stuff” touch their precious lips!
January 10th, 2008 at 8:04 amNote to self: sister does not need cryptic begging when the regular type of begging works just fine.
January 10th, 2008 at 8:47 amI don’t beat the meat in this house anymore. I’m sure Trevor threw out the mallet years ago! LOL. (but I have been known to put the meat in a zip-lock and apply pressure to flatten it with a coffee mug.) Not quite the same but close. J.
January 10th, 2008 at 10:37 amAh! A coffee mug mallet! NOW somebody’s speaking my language!!!!!!
January 10th, 2008 at 10:44 amI too have a meat mallet, and it is great for tenderizing meat or chicken (really!). It is, however, not so great in the hands of a two-year-old using it to “tenderize” his sister’s head. Luke’s mom has actually been telling me that’s what I should be getting her for mother’s day/Christmas/birthday. It would appear the meat mallet is actually a coveted item.
Don’t even get me started on any “meat beating” stories or puns…it’s too early to go there.
PS - Anderson Cooper probably is a good cook - I couldn’t know for sure if he beats his meat though. Oh, with a mallet of course.
January 12th, 2008 at 8:38 amOh, and lady, take yourself to www.kraftcanada.com ASAP. You can send for their “What’s Cooking?” magazine which will arrive for free at your doorstep every month (to your happiness and delight). The recipies are so easy a gifted four-year-old could likely make them. Pretty pictures, easy instructions - really.
January 12th, 2008 at 8:42 amA free cooking magazine? Hmmm. That might be like ordering a welding manual. But the more I think about it, the more owning a meal mallet might make me a better cook? One time @ Thanksgiving I was running all through the stores looking for one of those turkey baster things. Annette was with me. We ended up desperate - in the pharmacy and almost bought an alternative… nevermind.
January 12th, 2008 at 9:10 amKraft Cannada is great Deanna. They will show you some new twists for Kraft Dinner…and more…all of it will be in your cupboard. Or if you act fast, it will be in your mothers cupboard.
January 14th, 2008 at 10:31 amPfft. Who needs a mallet? Put the chicken breasts in a ziplock bag and bash it with your hands. Great for relieving stress!
I suppose you could use a rolling pin to bash it with, if you don’t wan’t to use your hands. If you have a rolling pin!
PS: I just discovered your book! I’ve only just started, but I like what I’ve read so far!
January 15th, 2008 at 1:19 pmHeather… See - the very, very sad thing is that I didn’t know before you ever needed to squish meat! But indeed - that sounds like a fabulous stress release. Sadly, I don’t own a rolling pin. That’s a whole different blog. And thank you for reading my book. DKM
January 15th, 2008 at 8:31 pmYou don’t need to squish meat that often. I think the point of squishing it is to make it flatter, which means it’ll cook faster, and you’ll have more surface for whatever ingredients you put on it. Plus a marinade will probably penetrate faster. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually done it, though.
I spend far too much time watching Food TV, can you tell? It’s all because of Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver.
January 17th, 2008 at 10:37 amDo Nigella & Jamie use as much colorful language as Chef Ramsay? ‘Cause if they do, I’ll totally tune in for the entertainment value!!!
January 17th, 2008 at 10:51 amMarinade might be better for me in the long run. If the flavor is strong enough, it covers up the “burnt” aftertaste… LOL