Dear Ralph Lauren Decorating Team;

My husband and I have recently installed hardwood throughout our home.  Doing renos together doesn’t promote “togetherness”.  If you know what I mean.  Then, just to complicate things further (and put additional strain upon our marraige), we put gorgeous tile in our front entrance.  In order to tie together the whole deal, I had to paint my fireplace (which had also been re-tiled).  So ANYHOW, I traipsed off to Home Depot and picked myself up some of that River Rock Paint.  On the website, Riverock is described as “Capturing the warm look of rocks awash in a turbulent stream with subtle sophistication”.  Superb marketing.  And I have to tell you, the display was groovy fabulous.  Oh yes.  A warm look.  Awash in turbulence.  Subtly sophisticated.   I was shivering with anticipation.  Just THINK of the life I will lead when this River Rock stuff is on my fireplace.! Angelina will stop to ask who my decorator is.  Anderson Cooper will pop in for coffee (he’ll bring the Starbucks) and ask if we might sit in front of the fireplace for a chat.  I will come home from work and find Susan Juby and Judy Blume with their laptops, clicking away, occasionally looking up at me to smile and then at the River Rock fireplace for inspiration. 

Okay.  So I sent my offspring to play with paint chips from the other “inferior” displays and then sort of stood there mesmerized by the River Rock choices.  Ah ha! - a gorgeous grey/brown riverrock color.  Precisely the answer to my tie-in challenge:  Steam Boat Basin.   Who in their right mind WOULDN’T want a “river rock steam boat basin” fireplace?    

As I reached for it, to my dismay, some force attempted to bring my arm back to it’s resting place.  What?  An invisible zombie in Home Depot, you ask?  Oh no.  Just the little voice in the back of my head reminding me that two years ago, when I got new furniture, I HAD ALREADY tried River rock paint.  And it sucked.  But hell heck.  (I ignored the grumpy voice.)  I’ll be a much better painter this time.  With renewed confidence I continued shopping for all the appropriate brushes and rollers that were mandatory for “proper” (and perfect) river rock application.  Finally.  I had my new river rock and I was ready to shut that Home-Depot-grumpy-voiced-zombie up for good.

If I may remind you, I’ve already been in reno hell for weeks.  And so, as I applied the River rock to my fireplace, and as it got blotchy and ugly, and then blotchier and uglier, I just about LOST MY MIND.  Frantically I continued.  I am no quitter, Ralph Lauren people.  Nope.  However, two hours later (much sweat and a ton of swearing), I conceded that Steam Boat Basin River Rock was not to be.  And so, I headed back to the Depot, picked up a “normal” Behr paint in a similar shade, and repainted the fireplace.  It might not be awash in a turbulent stream.  It, however, was not blotchy or ugly.  Three different paint jobs in forty eight hours.  AARG.

You may not care about any of this.  Or, you might chuckle and then laugh amongst yourselves that I’m an idiot painter.  That’s all fine and everything.  But you might want to consider putting a couple of warnings on your gorgeous River rock display:

NOT SUITABLE FOR IDIOT PAINTERS.  and

WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MARITAL TROUBLES DURING APPLICATION. 

That would just solve a lot of problems, don’t you think? 

BTW.  I may be sending you the bill for our marriage counselling.  After all that paint, I doubt I can afford the therapy.

All Best,

Deanna Kent-McDonald

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 18th, 2007 at 6:16 am. You can leave a comment below.