Happy Mother’s Day! In honor of today, I’m spilling the beans… Some of these are my secrets - some of them are not… You can’t know which ones are which — or you’d have the MAMSS (Mama Secret Society) after you…
Juiciest List: Top 10 Secrets About Being a Mom
10 “When they’re puking in the middle of the night, and I manage that soothing voice: ‘It’s okay, honey’, it’s really not… because even though it’s my kid, puke is puke - it’s the most repulsive thing in the world & the smell makes me gag.”
9. “When she was born and the doctor said to buy the eyedropper container of Vitamin D, I came really close to putting it into her eye… I just saw the eyedropper and didn’t think about it. Thank Goodness someone stopped me! Who knew?”
8. “I think we should all band together and make it mandatory for health care to pay for breast lifts when the children are done nursing. Does the rest of the world population really understand what nursing these creatures does to our breasts?”
7. ”Once for a bakesale, we were supposed to bake stuff and wrap them all individually. Since I forgot I had to run to the grocery store, purchase those Rice Krispies Squares in a box, unwrap each of them, put them in baggies, and the class sold them for WAY less than I paid! You should have seen me in my van - 5 minutes before school - frantically hucking wrappers down…”
6. “When the goldfish kept dying, I replaced it like 45 times. Then, on the 46th goldfish, I was getting concerned about depleting the goldfish population. I really didn’t want to have the ‘death’ discussion but I practiced in front of the mirror. So I finally told my son that Goldfinger had gone to heaven. He just said, ’That’s okay, Mama. Don’t be sad. Everything dies sometime…’”
5. “When my son asked the Safeway lady if she had a penis or a vagina, and she blushed and her eyebrows jumped up at me, I pretended to be all horrified & told him gently how inappropriate it was… but inside I was DYING with laughter — and I really don’t think it’s a big deal. In fact, it’s a really smart question!”
4. “When my daughter came home with broken feelings because of some girls at school, I think I did the ‘right’ thing by sitting down and going over some strategies to use with her about how to deal with them. What I REALLY wanted to do was march to the playground and tie them to the monkey bars for a night.”
3. “They’re older now. But I still like to look at them sleeping.”
2. “When my son was 2, I had a moment of road rage and said the “f” word out loud. For the next three months, whenever my son used it (little parrot) I had to pretend that he was saying ‘truck’. I actually kept little mini-trucks in my purse so that when he came out with it, I’d just hand him a truck.”
1. “When I talk to my physician about my stretch-marks and he goes into the whole ‘badges of honor’ speech, I want to pull the Braveheart torture scene on him. What a dumbass!”
So… Happy Mother’s Day to you. Being a mom is the hardest job & the biggest privilege… To those of you who are right at this very moment cultivating the next group of world leaders, I salute you.
I’d love to know your very own mama secrets…
okay, so not really a secret but watch what you call your husband or your 2-year-old will be saying to his mommy “don’t give me a ‘pank, dumbass!” - hands on hips and everything. at least we were at home
May 11th, 2008 at 9:31 pmI hear you Teri! This mama spent far too long on the Spiderman portion of the x-box Nemesis game… I knew it when my 3 year old Max told the daycare lady he’d give her a web-slinging ass kicking if it wasn’t snack time… OY.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:48 am….how about when your three-year-old tells the neighbor’s boys to take their hands off of his f-ing toys? (Pause here to relive the humilitating, humbling, horror of it all). Fortunately the neighbor mom chose to use the espisode to amuse her in-laws instead of juding us…what an awesome neighbor.
My worst mothering moments take place in our mud room at home…they involve a lot of yelling, sweating, and silent (okay and sometimes not) swearing. If ever there was an home invasion while I was in the midst of getting my kids dressed I would take that criminal down. It would be ugly - I would be ready and mean. He would regret the day he tangled with me while I was in the middle of the gong show in my mud room.
The things that should phase me don’t - I’ve been through all matter of felt-pen, make-up and vaseline disaster. Really, although I can’t show it, it cracks me up! What shakes me up are things that could possibly hurt my children. Thinking of the day my youngest daughter was sent to the hospital by our pediatrician still sends chills up my spine. I can remember bringing her home and sitting alone holding her and crying like I’ve never cried before - so, there’s a secret. Another secret - in those happy times enjoying Estella and just loving her and being so happy she’s here I always raise a silent prayer… thank you, thank you, thank you. And really, it’s no secret how much I love my kids … I give thanks for them for so many reasons … for letting my heart have four new homes to live, to grow and to roam. I have learned more - felt more and become a better person for having kids.
I will tell you all of the little things like spit-cleaning faces, the under the breath “wait until we get to the car”, the little vulcan death grip I use at times are the things you don’t see. The times I’ve let my kids stay up too late, or let them climb into bed in the middle of the night because they are scared may not come up every day. The poop stains on our carpet that I’ve had to clean with baby wipes you may not see, but I hope that you do see the juicy mommy love I have for my kids and my family every single day.
Thank you all for the juicy mommy secrets that make me feel normal, make me laugh and bring tears of pure joy to my eyes. We share the best secret - how wonderful it is to be a mom.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:24 pmOh Marianne - I think you’re a wonderful & fabulous mama… Thanks for all your insight (& for making the mascara run down my face). xoxxo D
May 12th, 2008 at 3:30 pm